You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
