ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
