So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
