im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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