You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
