Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
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This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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