No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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