I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize