He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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