I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
i think i just naturally attract stoners
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
