I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
