shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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