Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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