I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
