2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
