So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
