Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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