Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
