She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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