Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
