a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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