Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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