We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
