so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
