I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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