I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
