I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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