no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
