I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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