HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
