I faked an abortion last night.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
