so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
And the cops told us we were all naked.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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