My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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