It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
