Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
from now on my penis is your penis
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
