I can text with my tongue
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
