You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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