so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
