"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
