I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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