My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
