Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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