Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
COCAINE IS GR8
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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