Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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