I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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