Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
