mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
