When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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