dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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