I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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