I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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