I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
