If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.