I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"