i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.