Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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