Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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