How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
