Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
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he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
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I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I look excited, but its just a facade.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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