And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
