they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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