I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
