I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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