Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
